According to Meriam webster.com, co-parenting is a person (such as a noncustodial parent or cohabiting partner) who shares parental duties with a custodial parent. When most people hear the term co-parenting, they think of a mom/dad who splits parenting time for the children they have together. I will admit early on that I selfishly did NOT want to co-parent for appearances. I quickly realized that this was not healthy for my child or me. I had hoped that in the long run, my daughter would understand and want me to be happy no matter who I was with romantically or not. I think it’s important to note that no matter your situation, I understand how complex and sensitive this topic can be. And let me assure you. I. UNDERSTAND. THE. STRUGGLE. Regardless of where you are in your co-parenting journey, I know from personal experience that it is NOT easy. While I know my child’s father and I have the best intentions, we’re human and have made mistakes. I know we’ll make mistakes in the future, and hopefully, we’ll learn from them. I’ve been fortunate to learn from some of my mistakes, and I know you can. One of the best advice I can give you is to consistently ask yourself, “Am I responding in a way that would make my child (ren) proud.?” “If they were in my situation, would I want them to respond or react?”

I rarely talk about my co-parenting situation because I thought people would judge me for various reasons. At this stage in my life, I don’t care two hoots about what people may or may not think about my situation. Know everyone’s situation is different, and even if they tell you details about it, you are not them; therefore, you can never know exactly what it was like to be in their shoes. You can listen. Empathize if needed. And if you need to do something, ask them for what they need. I know that co-parenting with someone who truly wants to be involved in my daughter’s life is a blessing, AND sometimes it can become a bit challenging navigating all the little nuances of someone else/their schedule/parenting style/etc………… I want to provide you with 3 tangible things that I do that have helped me tremendously, and I believe these tips are applicable whether you co-parent or not. 

PRIORITIZING “DOWN TIME” 

My situation is different because my daughter goes to her father’s every other weekend per a court order. Due to this schedule, I know when I will have a “break .”Knowing this in advance allows me to schedule things that can wait until she’s with heim. Don’t get me wrong; I love hanging out with my mini-me; however, a court order is a court order. I try my best to make the most of my time with her. This means truly letting A LOT of things slide and certain things not feeling as big a deal as they used to. This works for us now, but it may not always, and the important thing to remember is FLEXIBILITY.

I recommend you remain flexible in your parenting, whether you co-parent or not. I believe being flexible is a quality that often gets overlooked, but it is so important. Think about a time you encountered someone at work who just was not flexible at all. Did you ever wonder how they got like that? Or why do they think the way they do? So let’s begin to show our children what flexibility is like. You know the expression more is caught than taught? I truly believe that.

LIMIT ANY NEGATIVE TALK ABOUT THE OTHER PARENT 

Okay, usually, I wouldn’t say I like absolutes. Still, in this case, I strongly believe that if you are in a co-parenting situation, refrain from saying anything negative about the other parent, especially when the child or children are present. This is probably the most difficult to do and the most important. Out of all the things, I would say that this one will set a precedent for how your child (ren) will perceive you, not them, if you allow them to hear your negative view, bad talk, opinions, etc. about the other parent. This could be a disaster for you for various reasons, one of them being that your child (ren) may perceive you negatively for talking about the other parent. They could hear things they were unprepared for or didn’t understand. They could repeat stuff you said back to the other parent out of context. There are so many ways this could go wrong, so I strongly suggest that if you have some support (friends, family), you reach out to them when you feel some way. Trust me on this; you will want to say something in the heat of the moment. Don’t. 

MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS

I FEEL you if you’re worried about how your relationship will change throughout your co-parenting journey. My relationship has changed with my daughter simply because I see her less, and she’s getting older. One of the things I do is, choose not to label it good or bad, and I recognize it’s just different. While I miss the moments we had before, I realize that I can try to create those moments in other ways. Returning to the basics, such as taking walks, reading together (preferably before bed), and board games, are ways to reconnect.   

I challenge you to think of ways to reconnect with your kiddo or kiddos. Here are some suggestions for you in case you can’t think of any at the top of your head. 

1. Aim for 12 hugs (or physical connections) every day
2. Play 
3. Turn off technology when you interact with your child
4. Connect before transitions
5. Make time for one on one time
6. Welcome emotion
7. Listen, and Empathize
8. Slow down and savor the moment.

By managing the expectations of your time together, you will be less disappointed in your interactions with your child (ren) and the other parent. It would help if you were honest with the other party and yourself about what you put into the relationship. Many people have unrealistic beliefs about what another person can do for us. Communicating our needs is key – unfortunately, most of us do this when in a reactive state. We can be pleasantly surprised when we calmly and constructively communicate our expectations and desires, whether it’s to a friend, partner, or parent. Regardless, don’t fool yourself about what you want to control about the situation and what you can control, which is you and your response to concerns. 

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